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Either the length or the nature of this speech, had the effect of working up Mrs. Simpson into a very
extraordinary passion indeed; and as she made an end of it, with great labor, she lumped up from her chair
like somebody bewitched, dropping upon the floor an entire universe of bustle as she lumped. Once upon her
feet, she gnashed her gums, brandished her arms, rolled up her sleeves, shook her fist in my face, and
concluded the performance by tearing the cap from her head, and with it an immense wig of the most valuable
and beautiful black hair, the whole of which she dashed upon the ground with a yell, and there trammpled and
CHAPTER XXV 125
danced a fandango upon it, in an absolute ecstasy and agony of rage.
Meantime I sank aghast into the chair which she had vacated. "Moissart and Voissart!" I repeated,
thoughtfully, as she cut one of her pigeon-wings, and "Croissart and Froissart!" as she completed another --
"Moissart and Voissart and Croissart and Napoleon Bonaparte Froissart! -- why, you ineffable old serpent,
that's me -- that's me -- d'ye hear? that's me" -- here I screamed at the top of my voice -- "that's me-e-e! I am
Napoleon Bonaparte Froissart! and if I havn't married my great, great, grandmother, I wish I may be
everlastingly confounded!"
Madame Eugenie Lalande, quasi Simpson -- formerly Moissart -- was, in sober fact, my great, great,
grandmother. In her youth she had been beautiful, and even at eighty-two, retained the majestic height, the
sculptural contour of head, the fine eyes and the Grecian nose of her girlhood. By the aid of these, of
pearl-powder, of rouge, of false hair, false teeth, and false tournure, as well as of the most skilful modistes of
Paris, she contrived to hold a respectable footing among the beauties en peu passees of the French
metropolis. In this respect, indeed, she might have been regarded as little less than the equal of the celebrated
Ninon De L'Enclos.
She was immensely wealthy, and being left, for the second time, a widow without children, she bethought
herself of my existence in America, and for the purpose of making me her heir, paid a visit to the United
States, in company with a distant and exceedingly lovely relative of her second husband's -- a Madame
Stephanie Lalande.
At the opera, my great, great, grandmother's attention was arrested by my notice; and, upon surveying me
through her eye-glass, she was struck with a certain family resemblance to herself. Thus interested, and
knowing that the heir she sought was actually in the city, she made inquiries of her party respecting me. The
gentleman who attended her knew my person, and told her who I was. The information thus obtained induced
her to renew her scrutiny; and this scrutiny it was which so emboldened me that I behaved in the absurd
manner already detailed. She returned my bow, however, under the impression that, by some odd accident, I
had discovered her identity. When, deceived by my weakness of vision, and the arts of the toilet, in respect to
the age and charms of the strange lady, I demanded so enthusiastically of Talbot who she was, he concluded
that I meant the younger beauty, as a matter of course, and so informed me, with perfect truth, that she was
"the celebrated widow, Madame Lalande."
In the street, next morning, my great, great, grandmother encountered Talbot, an old Parisian acquaintance;
and the conversation, very naturally turned upon myself. My deficiencies of vision were then explained; for
these were notorious, although I was entirely ignorant of their notoriety, and my good old relative discovered,
much to her chagrin, that she had been deceived in supposing me aware of her identity, and that I had been
merely making a fool of myself in making open love, in a theatre, to an old woman unknown. By way of
punishing me for this imprudence, she concocted with Talbot a plot. He purposely kept out of my way to avoid
giving me the introduction. My street inquiries about "the lovely widow, Madame Lalande," were supposed to
refer to the younger lady, of course, and thus the conversation with the three gentlemen whom I encountered
shortly after leaving Talbot's hotel will be easily explained, as also their allusion to Ninon De L'Enclos. I had
no opportunity of seeing Madame Lalande closely during daylight; and, at her musical soiree, my silly
weakness in refusing the aid of glasses effectually prevented me from making a discovery of her age. When
"Madame Lalande" was called upon to sing, the younger lady was intended; and it was she who arose to obey
the call; my great, great, grandmother, to further the deception, arising at the same moment and
accompanying her to the piano in the main drawing-room. Had I decided upon escorting her thither, it had
been her design to suggest the propriety of my remaining where I was; but my own prudential views rendered
this unnecessary. The songs which I so much admired, and which so confirmed my impression of the youth of
my mistress, were executed by Madame Stephanie Lalande. The eyeglass was presented by way of adding a
reproof to the hoax -- a sting to the epigram of the deception. Its presentation afforded an opportunity for the
lecture upon affectation with which I was so especially edified. It is almost superfluous to add that the glasses
CHAPTER XXV 126
of the instrument, as worn by the old lady, had been exchanged by her for a pair better adapted to my years.
They suited me, in fact, to a T.
The clergyman, who merely pretended to tie the fatal knot, was a boon companion of Talbot's, and no priest.
He was an excellent "whip," however; and having doffed his cassock to put on a great-coat, he drove the hack
which conveyed the "happy couple" out of town. Talbot took a seat at his side. The two scoundrels were thus
"in at the death," and through a half-open window of the back parlor of the inn, amused themselves in
grinning at the denouement of the drama. I believe I shall be forced to call them both out.
Nevertheless, I am not the husband of my great, great, grandmother; and this is a reflection which affords me
infinite relief, -- but I am the husband of Madame Lalande -- of Madame Stephanie Lalande -- with whom my
good old relative, besides making me her sole heir when she dies -- if she ever does -- has been at the trouble
of concocting me a match. In conclusion: I am done forever with billets doux and am never to be met without
SPECTACLES.
~~~ End of Text ~~~
======
KING PEST.
A Tale Containing an Allegory.
The gods do bear and will allow in kings The things which they abhor in rascal routes.
Buckhurst's Tragedy of Ferrex and Porrex._
ABOUT twelve o'clock, one night in the month of October, and during the chivalrous reign of the third
Edward, two seamen belonging to the crew of the "Free and Easy," a trading schooner plying between Sluys
and the Thames, and then at anchor in that river, were much astonished to find themselves seated in the [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
